Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
