Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
