I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
ugly people sure do ruin things
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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