did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
