Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
