Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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