I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
