shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
