she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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