I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
