when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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