Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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