She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
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