soooo we both peed the bed last night...
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
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I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
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It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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