I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
