my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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