i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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