girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Randomize
