I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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