The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Randomize
