i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
