I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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