And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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