I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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