He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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