I showed him my bush... on skype.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
