She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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