My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
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