We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
