Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
