Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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