If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
