I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
