Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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