I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
