I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
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His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
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That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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