I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
