I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
