i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
