I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
