Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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