Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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