Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
