I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I looked at my own cervix.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
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At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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