my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
