I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
