my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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