Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Small penises have feelings too.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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