i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
