Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I touched a dick in church today
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
