u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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