can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
So much Jack, so little girl.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
