Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
