Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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