I faked an abortion last night.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
