She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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