so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
