Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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