So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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