ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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